Human Holidays
by hylianmusicianandwriter
Summary: Oneshot. Rick needs Morty's help, much to Morty's disgruntlement, on an adventure during the Smith family's traditional human holiday celebrations.


**Disclaimer: All these characters belong to Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon.**

Though he had learned from Rick that everything meant nothing, Christmastime still somehow ignited a flame of excitement in Morty. He loved the snow, the smells, the chilly mornings combined with his dad's traditional Christmas-morning pancakes and bagels—hell, he even loved the cheesy Christmas music. Even more so, he loved not having to go to school for three weeks, and receiving presents was definitely an added bonus.

"Summer, can you hand me my ornament?" Morty said, pointing at a small, plastic, blue teddy bear sitting in the box of wrapped ornaments. It was December 22nd, and the Smith family was decorating their Christmas tree; of course, Rick was in the garage, refusing to take part in any sort of family traditions or bonding. Morty couldn't blame him, though—every year, including this one, there were always huge arguments about which tree to cut down, resulting in tense car rides home and even tenser dinners after they had struggled to successfully put the tree up.

"Sure," Summer said, bringing the small ornament to eye level. In its paws was a framed picture of a much younger Morty, with the inscription "Morty's 3rd Christmas!" beneath it. "Aww," she said, "look how fat you were!"

"Shut up, Summer, can you just give me the damn ornament?"

She handed it to him, half-smirking. Morty rolled his eyes and hung the little ornament. He stared at his picture as it dangled on the thin branch; the picture stared back, his fat face split into a stupidly wide grin.

Summer's phone started buzzing in her back pocket; she pulled it out, reading the text messages that she had received, an eyebrow cocked.

"Hey, put your phone away!" Jerry said, wiping his hands on his apron as he emerged from the kitchen. "Remember, this is a _human_ holiday!"

Summer rolled her eyes, ignoring her father's request. "Whatever, Dad." She looked him up and down. He was wearing an ugly red Christmas sweater with little green trees going around the sleeves and an apron that had two candy canes on it. "You know that the trees on your sweater are upside-down, right?"

Jerry looked at both of his arms. He looked back at his daughter, standing straighter. "I know," he said. "And I _like it_ this way!"

Morty and Summer exchanged looks, sighing.

The garage door suddenly opened. Rick emerged, holding his portal gun in one hand and his flask in another. "Morty," he said as he strode towards his grandchildren, "we gotta go on a quick adventure. I need your help with something."

"Oh jeez, Rick, do you really think this is the best time? I mean, it's almost Christmas," Morty said, climbing down from the small ladder he had been standing on.

"Yeah, Rick, why do you have to be taking my son with you during this human holiday?" Jerry crossed his arms, glaring at his father-in-law. "Plus, my parents are going to be arriving soon and it will probably come off as rude if their grandson isn't here to greet them—"

"Shut up, Jerry. First off, I don't give a fuck about your human holiday. Jesus wasn't even born on December 25th, that date was stolen from pagan celebrations by Christianity, and the holiday has become little more than a day for our consumerist and capitalistic society to waste as much money as possible. Secondly, I'll have Morty back before Joyce and Leonard get here, if it'll get you off my ass." Rick turned to Morty, taking a quick swig of his flask. "This will be a quick adventure, twenty minutes in-and-out." He lifted his portal gun and shot a portal into the wall.

"Alright, fine, Rick," Morty said. He jumped through the green portal, followed by Rick, leaving Summer and Jerry standing together by the Christmas tree.

Rick and Morty emerged on the other side of the portal, standing in a huge field of tall, purple grass. Morty looked around; about three hundred feet away was a very large castle.

"Hey, Rick, uh—where are we? What are we doing?" Morty said.

Rick tucked his portal gun into his lab coat's pocket, took a swig from his flask, and then pulled out a small, rectangular, beeping device that had large antennae atop it. He held it up towards the castle; the beeping suddenly intensified. "Hell yeah," Rick muttered. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "See that castle over there, Morty? There's a queen in there who has a very valuable crystal," Rick said.

"In-in there?" Morty said, blinking incredulously. "What do you need the crystal for?"

"For my research," Rick said.

"If it's in there, then why didn't you just open a portal where the queen is, so we could take it?"

"Because, Morty," Rick scoffed, "that's _rude._ I-I mean, how would _you_ feel if two strangers just opened a portal into your bedroom?"

"You open portals for aliens to come into my bedroom all the time when you're drunk!" Morty protested. "You think it's so damn funny, but i-it's not that funny to me!"

Rick rolled his eyes. "Not the point. Anyways, I got a plan, as always, because I'm a ge-EUGH-nius. This species—the Porthians—are known for their politeness and pushover attitudes. We go up and introduce ourselves, they let us in, we have dinner with the queen, then I go up and seduce her before stealing the crystal. Then you and I are gone!"

"Wait," Morty said, looking at Rick with a mixture of surprise and protest. "Why do _you_ get to seduce her?"

"Because, _Morty,_ you doing the hanky-panky with the queen is basically child molestation. She's really old."

"Like you," Morty smirked.

Rick glared at him. "She'll respond better to me than your hormonal, acne-ridden, emotional pubescent self. Now, let's go."

Rick and Morty approached the front gates, where two guards stood erect beside the large wooden entrance, each holding a long spear. Their species were humanoid enough; bipedal, with two arms and a head. However, they had blue and pink scales with fins on their backs, indicating that they could survive well in the water.

"Hello," Rick said as he approached the guards. He bowed. Morty followed his lead, bowing beside him. Rick looked up at them. "My name is Rick Sanchez; this is my grandson Morty Smith. If you would please inform the Queen Meriyah, the Third Bequeathed, of our presence, that would be very gracious of you."

 _God, this sounds like Game of Thrones,_ Morty thought.

The guards looked at each other before nodding. Rick and Morty stood back up as one of the guards stepped closer to them while the other went inside.

They stood in awkward silence together, Morty lackadaisically scuffing the floor with his shoe, before the large gates let out a loud screech as they slowly opened.

The guard who had left stood on the inside of the large gates. Rick and Morty were ushered inside the castle by the guard who had stood with them.

"Her Majesty has kindly acknowledged your presence, and is requesting dinner with her guests."

"Score," Rick muttered to Morty.

"If you'll follow me," the guard said. The duo followed behind the guard, who led them through the garden, into winding hallways, until they finally reached a large dining hall, lit with candles and torches. Guards were posted at each corner of the room. A grand table was centered in the middle, where one Porthian woman sat at the head.

She stood. Morty was taken aback by how beautiful she was; her blue and pink scales glistened in the torchlight, her fins draped elegantly off her shoulders…

"Ow!" Morty grunted, rubbing the spot in his side where Rick had gruffly elbowed him.

"Greetings!" Queen Meriyah said. "Please, come sit by me! My servants have kindly placed chairs for my two wonderful guests. Dinner is currently being prepared."

Rick and Morty sat in the chairs, beside the queen and across from each other. "Thank you, Your Majesty, for your graciousness," Rick said, putting his napkin in his lap. The queen smiled at him.

"Yeah, uh, thank you," Morty said. He suddenly noticed a large, pink stone attached to a gold chain, dangling between her breasts.

The crystal.

"Oh, of course, Mr. Sanchez and Mr. Smith! I've heard—"

"You can call me Rick, Your Majesty," Rick said, grinning at her. The queen blushed.

 _Eugh, disgusting,_ Morty thought. _He pulled me from Christmas for this?_

"Er—of course, Rick. Naturally, I would desire to dine with you—I've heard many a great stories about your being! You are known throughout the galaxy as a powerful hero and a great ally—you must have so many tales to tell!" She fingered the crystal between her middle and forefingers, staring at Rick with wide, purple eyes. A servant poured wine into their goblets.

Rick chuckled and lifted the goblet, swirling it gently before taking a sip. Morty grimaced. _Why do_ I _have to witness this?_

"Oh, I have plenty of tales I could tell of my adventures. There was that one that I rescued a princess from the depths of Craigdunes…"

It went on for a few hours. Morty sat in his slightly uncomfortable chair, awkwardly quiet as he listened to Rick woo the queen with his recounts of adventures from his younger days. The servants eventually returned with dinner, which included this kingdom's finest meats and cheese. He would much rather be putting up decorations with his family than sitting here. What did Rick even need him for? He couldn't see any reason that his grandfather would need him here; there was no danger that required Morty to shoot at while Rick crafted a bomb or anything. Morty sighed, tapping his knee with his forefinger, not wanting to appear rude, but he was getting tired, and his impatience with his grandfather was growing. His plate was now empty, he was bored, and he wanted to go home. He was sure that his other grandparents had already arrived, and his dad would be pissed that he wasn't there. Not that he cared, that much, about what Jerry thought, but he still felt bad for disappointing his grandma and grandpa.

"Oh, my goodness, how has it already gotten so late?" The queen pulled her gaze from Rick and looked at the large clock that was on the far wall. She put her napkin onto her half-eaten plate. "It is much too late for you two to leave. Gustovi, will you please show Morty to a private chamber?" She turned to Rick, leaning forward. "I'll personally escort Mr. Sanchez to his room for the night."

Morty internally gagged before being led away in the opposite direction of Rick and the queen. Morty looked behind him and caught his grandfather's eye. Rick quickly flipped him off and stuck his tongue out at him before being led up the stairs to the queen's quarters.

*!*!*!*

 _BANG BANG BANG!_

Morty grunted, suddenly roused by the loud pounding on his door. He rolled over, swimming in and out of unconsciousness.

"MORTY! WAKE THE FUCK UP AND OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Jesus, Rick, I'm coming, hold on!" Morty swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up, stretching as he walked over and unlocked his door. Rick burst in and grabbed Morty by the arm, dragging him out of his chamber.

Rick was panicked; he had his lab coat on but was missing his shirt, the large, pink crystal swinging around his neck. "Morty! We have to get out of here! I know it doesn't happen very often but I made a mistake and forgot to charge my portal gun before we left. Now, I can use this crystal to charge my portal gun but we need to leave before the guards catch us, Morty! Let's go!"

Rick yanked Morty again by the wrist and began running down the stairs, Morty stumbling behind him.

"We may be able to get out in time, but—oh fuck!" Rick said as they reached the bottom of the staircase. Six guards were standing there, spears and swords suddenly pointing at Rick and Morty's chests.

"Oh, shit," Rick muttered. "Here, Morty, you're gonna need this."

There were certain moments, Morty noticed, that him and his grandpa acted with such unison and teamwork that it made him understand why he liked going on adventures with him in the first place. With one swift motion, Rick reached inside his lab coat and pulled out two laser guns, tossing one to Morty. In a matter of seconds, the two of them blasted each of the guards, leaving their bodies on the ground, their swords and spears still clattering as Rick and Morty ran off.

The crystal bounced against Rick's bare chest as they darted around corners, guns raised. His heart pounded; he felt so vulnerable without his portal gun. How had he been careless enough to have not charged it?

They left the long and winding corridors, emerging outside into the courtyard where they had first entered.

"There!" Rick said, breathing hard. A bead of sweat trickled down his nose. _Damn, I am getting too old for this,_ he thought to himself, cursing his aging body. "The gate! It's still open!" All they would need to do is sprint across the courtyard and get to the purple grass, where they would have enough hiding space and time for him to charge his portal gun with the damn crystal.

As they began sprinting across the courtyard towards their freedom, guards emerged from the castle and began chasing them like coonhounds on a hunt.

Morty's heart felt like it was about to pound out of his chest; he could hear the blood rushing in his ears as he sprinted behind Rick, they were desperately running, trying to survive this as always—

WHAM!

Morty stumbled and fell onto the grass of the courtyard, pain suddenly erupting in his right thigh.

He dropped his gun and rolled onto his side, wincing in pain as he looked down at his leg.

Red blood was leaking out of his thigh, where the tip of a spear was sticking out.

Rick glanced behind him to make sure Morty was still there—he stopped in his tracks, seeing Morty lying on the ground in pain. His heart dropped.

"MORTY!" He yelled, and ran to his grandson.

"Oh, jeez, Rick! M-m-m-y leg—"

The guards were coming upon them; Rick calculated the amount of time they had before the guards would have them both. "Alright, Morty, you're fine, this is gonna hurt, but—" he reached down and yanked the spear out of Morty's leg, causing a yelp of pain to erupt out of his grandson.

Rick picked him up and began running again towards the gate, his lab coat fluttering behind him. "Sorry about that, buddy, but we're almost out of here!" Blood was seeping onto his coat; Morty moaned in pain, clenching his teeth.

Rick sprinted through the gate's threshold and into the tall, purple grass, the tall blades _wooshing_ around them as they went deeper into the field.

He glanced over his shoulder; the castle was quite a distance away, and he felt like he had enough time to stop.

"Alright, Morty, gonna need to set you down here…" Rick grunted, placing Morty as gently as he could on the dirt. Morty grimaced and put the palms of his hands over the wound, attempting to slow the bleeding as best he could. Pain was pulsating from his thigh; he looked up at Rick, who was frantically pulling the portal gun out of the pocket of his lab coat and placing the pink crystal on the charging port of the gun.

"Sorry, buddy, this'll take a few minutes…" Rick wiped his brow, laser gun still in hand. "Come on, come on, come on, motherfucker!"

"I-It's okay, Rick, I'm not dying, just…just in a lot of pain," Morty winced.

The lightbulb atop the portal gun suddenly began glowing green. "Fuck yes!" Rick detached the crystal from the portal gun and shot a portal into the ground, the green goo swirling beside Morty.

Morty pushed himself into the portal, followed by Rick, the purple grass swaying in the wind vanishing behind them.

!*!*!*!*!*

The duo landed in the garage, falling roughly onto the cold concrete ground as the portal disappeared behind them. Rick pushed himself up off the ground and rushed over to the lower cabinets beneath his workbench, where he knew he had healing serum. "Hang in there, buddy…aha! There it is." Rick grabbed the bottle, along with a syringe and needle, and drew up 10cc's of the blue liquid.

Morty sat up, injured leg extended, and looked away as Rick injected his thigh with the healing serum. A warm, tingling sensation gradually replaced the pulsating pain; he carefully allowed himself to look at the wound. The bleeding had entirely stopped, and the muscles and skin that had been ripped apart were sewing themselves back together.

"Cell regeneration technology," Rick said, holding the bottle up for Morty to see. "Pretty, cool, huh? I invented it just for these sorts of scenarios."

The wound looked to be fully healed; Morty tested it, extending and flexing his leg. He stood up, gingerly putting weight on his leg until he was confident he could put his full weight on it.

He turned to Rick. "What the hell, Rick?!" Morty threw his hands in the air, glaring at his grandfather. "Y-y-you almost _killed_ us!"

" _I_ didn't almost kill us, those guards did!" Rick removed the pink crystal from around his neck and placed it on his workbench.

"That's not the point, Rick! That was the stupidest adventure we've ever gone on-w-what was even the point of that?! You weren't in control of anything back there, were you?! Jesus Christ!"

"Whoa, Morty, calm down," Rick said, turning to his angry grandson. "Look, everything worked out, all right? Nobody died, and I had some _really_ great sex with—"

Morty covered his ears. "I don't want to hear it!" He turned to the door leading to the house. "I'm going to bed—crap, I don't even know what time it is…" he glanced at the digital clock resting on the workbench. 3:26AM, DEC 25.

"Are you kidding me right now? God _dammit!_ " Morty spun on his heels, facing Rick again. "You said it'd be a twenty-minute adventure. We were gone for three days?!"

"Only one day on that planet," Rick shrugged. "Morty, who cares—"

"I care, Rick— _I_ care! Just—ugh, I'm going to bed, leave me alone!" Morty slammed the door behind him, leaving Rick alone in the cold garage.

Rick plopped on his stool, sighing. He pulled his flask out of his pocket, taking a sip. He picked up the pink crystal, toying with it in his long fingers, looking at an unfinished invention on his workbench. A ripple of gooseflesh erupted across his bare skin.

This crystal had better have been worth it.

*!*!*!*!*

"Morty, wake up!"

Morty blearily blinked, seeing his sister standing above him, shaking his shoulders. "Wha…"

"Good that you're here. Jeez, where'd you and Grandpa go? You were gone for like, three days," Summer said as Morty sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Anyways, it's Christmas. Everyone's downstairs, and Dad's making his dumb pancakes and bagels."

Morty swung his legs over the side of his bed. "Oh, jeez, Summer, you don't even want to know where Rick and I went…oh, man, are Grandma and Grandpa here?"

Summer nodded. "Yeah."

Morty rubbed his face. "Was Dad pissed I wasn't there?"

Summer shrugged and stood up. "Eh, no one really cares what Dad thinks. Grandma and Grandpa knew you were probably having fun or whatever, so, like, they didn't mind."

Morty scoffed. "Yeah, 'having fun' isn't really how'd I'd describe the past few days. Let me put it this way, Rick had sex with a fish queen, stole her necklace, and I got javelined in the leg by some freaky fish people."

"Ew!" Summer stuck her tongue out in disgust. "Ugh, Merry Christmas to you too. Let's go downstairs."

After throwing on some decent clothing, Morty and Summer made their way downstairs, where their mother and grandparents—including Rick, to Morty's surprise—were sitting on the couch, making idle conversation. The Christmas tree stood quietly in the corner, a pile of presents pushed underneath.

"So, Rick, how goes all of your…science?" Leonard asked, inclining his head.

Rick shrugged, leaning back. "Making new discoveries every day, Leonard."

`"That's…that's great to hear!" Joyce said, glancing between her husband and Rick. Beth glanced at the stairwell, where her children were standing.

"Morty, Summer, merry Christmas! Come down here!" Beth said, gesturing. With all of the available seats taken, the siblings sat on the coffee table, facing their family members. Rick made eye contact with his grandson; Morty sent a sharp glare back. Rick rolled his eyes.

"Morty! How are you doin', kiddo? Man, have you grown!" Leonard said, looking his grandson up and down.

"Merry Christmas, Grandpa and Grandma," Morty said, stifling a yawn. "Has Dad made breakfast yet?"

"It's just about ready, if you guys want to go sit at the table!" Jerry's voice drifted in from the kitchen.

Everyone stood up and made their way to the dining room, where they sat down and chatted about random, light topics while they ate breakfast.

The family made their way back into the living room, where they began the process of opening presents.

Each of them had received something that they had wanted, amongst other items from each other; Jerry, a new set of golf clubs; Beth, a new stethoscope; Summer, a new iPhone; Morty, a new laptop; Leonard and Joyce, a retreat resort up in the Colorado mountains; and Rick, a new set of tools.

As everyone settled down from the excitement of the new gifts, Rick pulled Morty aside. "Morty, I need your help in the garage for a moment."

"What?" Morty blinked, then furrowed his eyebrows. "Rick, no. It's Christmas, I'm not going on another adventure with you!"

"That isn't what I'm asking, _dummy_ ," Rick said, annoyance underlying his voice. He picked up his new toolset. "I'll be in the garage."

Morty threw his head back and sighed, but still followed Rick.

He closed the door behind him. "Okay, Rick, what do you need—"

"Here, you little shit." Rick threw a small, unwrapped brown box at Morty, to which he fumbled and dropped it. "Oh jeez," he said, picking it up off the ground.

"Ugh, Morty, y-you're gonna break it," Rick groaned. He sat back on his stool, arms crossed.

"Sorry," Morty said. He opened the box; inside was a small, clear cube. The cube had a red button on one side and a pink crystal on the inside.

"Wait, did you—" Morty began.

"Press the button, will you?" Rick grunted.

Morty did as he was asked; suddenly, the garage was filled with a moving hologram of a galaxy.

"Whoa!" Morty said, admiring the images as they slowly moved around their heads. "Is-is this the Milky Way galaxy?"

"Yeah," Rick said. "See that red dot? That's Earth. All those blue dots are planets that we've visited. If you zoom in with your fingers you can see exactly what planet it is." He shrugged. "Thought it was a cool concept."

Morty turned around a few times, zooming in on certain planets, their names and descriptions appearing as he focused in. "Whoa, Rick, this is amazing! You made this?"

"No shit, dummy."

"Well, uh, thank you, Rick." Morty looked at his grandpa and grinned. "Happy human holiday."

Rick rolled his eyes. "Don't call it that."

 **A/N:** **Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone! I hope your human holiday is going well. (I know this is posted a day or so before Christmas, but shhh.) I'm still around, writing little fanfics here and there! I hope this one was alright, and, if I may, I'd like to consider this a gift to all of my readers because I love each and every one of you. I didn't feel like breaking this up into chapters, so you get one short story/oneshot! If you read my chapter fic, Great Escape, then the ending scene in this oneshot may sound a little bit familiar. :)** **Anywho, I'll stop blathering. If you enjoyed it, please leave a comment below! Stay schwifty, and happy human holidays!**


End file.
